I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
