i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
