everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
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