So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize