then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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