So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
