he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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