If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
