My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
