look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
