you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
