I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
