Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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