if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
If I die, sorry about rent.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
