I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Your penis caused this!
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