clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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