yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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