I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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