Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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