there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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