I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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