Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
