If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
