You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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