Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
