Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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