I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
