my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
