I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
