So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Randomize
