her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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