I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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