Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
