it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
