Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
