Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
