I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
