Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
