You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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