If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
