Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
