The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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