okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
