last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
