I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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