Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my shit smells like andre
two words: eviction party
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
