i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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