Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
