broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
