you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I touched a dick in church today
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
