i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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