Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
