I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
