i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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