Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
