filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
