There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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