She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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